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133 Best Chuck Norris Jokes

We all love Chuck Norris Jokes, so here is a list of the best Chuck Norris jokes.

These list of Chuck Norris jokes are so funny that Chuck Norris himself wrote them :-)

  1. When we first landed on the moon, the astronauts noted there was a print on the moon that said “Chuck Norris was here.”

  2. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

  3. When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say Please.”

  4. When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

  5. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

  6. When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

  7. When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

  8. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

  9. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

  10. When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

  11. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.

  12. When Christopher Columbus discovered America, he was greeted by Chuck Norris.

  13. What’s the strongest part of Chuck Norris? His opinion.

  14. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

  15. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

  16. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

  17. There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.

  18. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors.

  19. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

  20. The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

  21. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

  22. The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

  23. The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.

  24. The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

  25. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

  26. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

  27. Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

  28. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

  29. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

  30. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

  31. On the 7th day, God rested … Chuck Norris took over.

  32. On New Year’s Eve, Chuck Norris promised that he’d lose 20 pounds. The next morning he shaved his chest and smiled as he realized that he’d lost 30.

  33. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all lethal.

  34. Mission Impossible was originally set in Chuck Norris’s house.

  35. M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

  36. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

  37. In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

  38. In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

  39. In an average living room there are a thousand objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

  40. If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

  41. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

  42. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, ‘Two seconds till.’ After you ask, ‘Two seconds to what?’ he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

  43. If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.

  44. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s beef.

  45. If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

  46. Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

  47. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

  48. Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

  49. Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.

  50. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

  51. Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

  52. Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

  53. Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

  54. Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

  55. Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

  56. Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded.

  57. Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

  58. Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.

  59. Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.

  60. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

  61. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull.

  62. Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren’t before his first space expedition.

  63. Chuck Norris plays Jenga with Stonehenge.

  64. Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest. With a fish.

  65. Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.

  66. Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

  67. Chuck Norris once split a man in by giving him a wedgie

  68. Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

  69. Chuck Norris once shattered the space-time continuum. He felt so bad, he put it back together.

  70. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light

  71. Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

  72. Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

  73. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

  74. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

  75. Chuck Norris once ate at Taco Bell and didn’t get diarrhea…

  76. Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.

  77. Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman’s life.

  78. Chuck Norris named his daughter Mercy. The day she was born was the only day Chuck Norris ever had Mercy.

  79. Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

  80. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

  81. Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.

  82. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

  83. Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

  84. Chuck Norris is the only man who can fight himself and win.

  85. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

  86. Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

  87. Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

  88. Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

  89. Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

  90. Chuck Norris found the last digit of pi.

  91. Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.

  92. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

  93. Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

  94. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

  95. Chuck Norris doesn’t need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.

  96. Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.

  97. Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

  98. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

  99. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

  100. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

  101. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

  102. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

  103. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

  104. Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

  105. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

  106. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

  107. Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

  108. Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

  109. Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

  110. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

  111. Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

  112. Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room

  113. Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

  114. Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

  115. Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

  116. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

  117. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

  118. Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.

  119. Chuck Norris can get in a bucket and lift it up with himself in it.

  120. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

  121. Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

  122. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

  123. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

  124. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

  125. Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

  126. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

  127. Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.

  128. Chuck Norris beats rock, paper, scissors. Cannon balls, tanks, super destroyers, exploding stars — I could go on.

  129. Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

  130. Chuck Norris appeared in the ‘Street Fighter II’ video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Chuck Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

  131. Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

  132. Bigfoot claims he once saw Chuck Norris.

  133. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

  134. A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

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